R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
