I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
