She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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