It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
