I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
