I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I lost the right to judge tonight
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
