My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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