Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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