Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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