My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
