U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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