Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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