She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
