someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
