It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
