Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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