We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
