Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
