I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
