made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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