Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
