she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
