im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
