Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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