I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
