My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
