We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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