I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
