you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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