I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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