You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
