Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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