I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
