i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
