If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
