you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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