her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
