nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
