I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
