3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
