I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
