Can i not drive my cunt home
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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