You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
