i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
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Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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