I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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