it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
