So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
