Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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