Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
