If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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