Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
