I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
