the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
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when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
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His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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