Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
