I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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