my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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