I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
