i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
