and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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