i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
