Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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