I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
