Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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