ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
